It is the last day of 2019 and as I reflect on the last year, one thing is clear. I hate being pregnant. Yep I said it. I feel like that isn’t something that you are supposed to say. People constantly ask how you are feeling when you are pregnant, but when you actually tell them how you feel, they look at you like you are crazy. When I was pregnant with my first, I was sick until halfway through my third trimester, in case trimesters mean nothing to you that is 7 months of throwing up and being nauseous. This time around I am currently at the 7 month mark, about the place I was in my last pregnancy where the nausea subsided, and I am still throwing up, unless I am on anti-nausea medication.
Natural state of this pregnant mama, slept in hair, stretchy pants, not bra, no makeup, messy house
When I first found out I was pregnant for the second time, I though it can’t be that bad this time. I was sick for so many months last time, that this time will be “normal.” This is where you can very faintly hear the universe laughing at me. It started out with what I will call normal morning sickness, throwing up in the morning and sick during the day if I didn’t have snacks regularly, smells making me sick everywhere I went. But about week 8, I started throwing up and no matter what I ate, if I had just eaten or if my stomach was empty, no matter what time of day or night. I took most of the week off work, because I just couldn’t function. Then the next week was the same, I had to call my boss, before I was ready to tell anyone, before most of my family knew and explain what was going on. I will say I am lucky, my boss has three kids and his wife had hyperemesis gravidarum, the extreme form of morning sickness the Kate Middleton brought attention to during her pregnancies. Now, while I was sick and at the worst of it, I was throwing up 15 to 20 times a day, I did not have hyperemesis gravidarum, I was never hospitalized, I never was put on an IV because of dehydration. I was dehydrated, but I was able to keep some fluids down. About week 10, my doctor prescribed me Zofran and I was taking it about every 4 hours for the first 3 weeks. Then I started switching between Zofran and Vitamin B4 every 4 hours for the next 3 weeks. I was surviving off of smoothies, Gatorade icies, plain rice, potatoes and cereal. I was functioning, sort of, I was making it to work, most days, going home early some days and trying to pretend that everything was normal.
This is what everyday after work looked like for months.
The worst part wasn’t the sickness, the worst part was just not being there. My husband has had to pick up the slack in every possible way, cooking breakfast, lunch and dinner. My house has been a mess since July and I just haven’t had the energy to clean it and my husband hasn’t had the time while being pretty much a single parent. He got Clara, dressed, fed, her hair combed and off to school. He picked her up and cooked dinner, did bath time and bed time. He also worked full time, did all the chores and took care of me. He would cook rice a 9:30 at nigh because I couldn’t eat the dinner he made and needed something to eat now. He would take my daughter to my parents, to a friends house or with him to work so that I could sleep on the weekends. He drove an hour round trip to pick up my prescriptions when I ran out. I felt guilty, I still do. I wasn’t being a Mom, a Wife or a partner. I was missing out on bedtime stories and cuddles. I wasn’t there to hear about my husbands day or share a meal. Just writing this makes me cry.
Somewhere around the 5 month mark, I started feeling better and by better I mean I was down to 1 Zofran a day and I could open the refrigerator without the smell of food making me throw up. Yippee!! That isn’t even a sarcastic “yippee”, opening the refrigerator without throwing up was a big deal for me. It also meant that a few times a week I was cooking dinner and after months if felt wonderful to be part of our family routine. I also started doing Sundays as my test days, to see if I could go without taking any medication (ok not no medication, I am on heartburn medication, because well, another fun pregnancy symptom). It didn’t work very well, it just meant that by the time my husband got home from work mid-morning, that Clara would explain in graphic detail how I threw up that morning.
Here Comes the Pain
About this same time, I started getting a excruciating pain in my pubic bone, the kind of pain that makes you feel like your pelvis is going to just crack and split in two and tear your body apart. You know just the normal sort of stuff, well maybe not normal for everyone. But, I knew this pain, I knew exactly what it was and what was causing it. Although this time around it was showing up much earlier in the process. With my first pregnancy I didn’t feel this much pain until the middle of my third trimester, about the 8 month mark. This time it was just 6 months in. What is this horrible pain you ask, Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction (SPD), basically all of you ligaments relax to much to soon and your pelvis gets out of alignment. This happens for about 25% of pregnant women and for only a small fraction of those it continues post-partum, lucky me I was one of those lucky few. Basically it hurts to sit and stand and walk and take your shoes off. Sleeping without one of those giant pregnancy pillows is not even an option. In my first pregnancy I didn’t do a great job of explaining what my symptoms were and my doctor thought I was having pelvic girdle pain, another fun but common pregnancy symptom. I wasn’t diagnosed until after I had given birth to my daughter and I was having trouble going for short walks and then I got horrible back pain and though I threw out my back so I went to the chiropractor. My chiropractor explained my overly tight muscles were not allowing my pelvis to go back into its normal place. I needed to stretch the tight muscles in my back, butt and groin to allow my pelvis to go back to where it belonged. She sent me home with stretched and exercises to do and within a few weeks the pain was gone. So, I felt more prepared this time around. I did my stretches and it helped the pain subsided, but in the last few weeks as my belly grew from a second trimester to a third trimester belly, stretching is getting more and more difficult and less effective. However, understanding and knowing what to do this time around I am in much less pain and feel much more in control.
Other than this my pregnancies have both been healthy and normal, both my babies measured just about spot on and progressed on time, have all their fingers and toes. I love feeling baby move around and have the hiccups. To see Clara’s excitement for her new Baby Sister that is coming soon. She kisses my belly and talks to Baby Sister and tells anybody that will listen “I am having a baby!” I feel so blessed, thankful and excited for my healthy baby girl. However, it doesn’t change the fact that I hate being pregnant, I haven’t even gotten into sneezing or throwing up in your second pregnancy at the very least means changing your pants or maybe even a shower, yep moms pee their pants and sick moms pee their pants a lot. I am typing this with broken capillaries around my nose and mouth, because sometimes you throw up so hard that it breaks capillaries in your face. We won’t go into constipation and hemorrhoids, because well there are just some things I don’t want to write down. When you are sick for months on end you don’t even get to enjoy the fun of increased sex drive in your second trimester (my husband may be more upset about this one that anything else).
So mama, it is okay to say pregnancy sucks, it is okay to hate being pregnant. It is okay to tell people when they ask, that you are not fine, and you feel like crap. I really wish more women were honest about how they are feeling, physically and emotionally during pregnancy. It is a lot and you are dealing with it on some pretty crazy hormone levels.